Getting your message across can be difficult.  Conversely, there are instances where receiving a message is the hard part- and we might not even be aware of our difficulty in receiving it!  Even though I don’t feel deficient in my communication skills, communication is still an area in which I’d like to improve my abilities.  On the advice of an expert who specializes in improving communication among medical professionals, as well as throughout hospitals for improved health care, I ordered a textbook.  Nerd Alert!  And it’s about as exciting as it sounds.  In my experience, you make it through textbook reading for one of two reasons: you hold an extreme fascination with something, or you’re after good grades and maybe accolades.  


This time I’m fascinated, and good thing- because to me text books have always read a little bit like furniture assembly manuals.  Also challenging, is finding a way to summarize all these definitions and concepts in a way that will keep you awake through this week’s Balanced Life post and hopefully allow you to walk away with something! Joseph A. Devito’s work comes highly recommended, however.  I’m not finding it too difficult to get through his Twelfth Edition of The Interpersonal Communication Book.  Working in my favor, perhaps, is my need to understand something on a deeper level in order to feel like I can apply it.  A very simple example: you can tell me an acronym and I may remember it if it forms a catchy word or phrase, but tell me the full name and what the group does and I won’t soon forget.  The bottom line is that I want to know what, how and why.


Professionally, there is much to be gained from being an effective communicator.  When considering MBA graduates (that’s Master of Business Administration for anyone else like me) recruiters rank “communication and interpersonal skills” at the top of the list of attributes they consider when making hiring decisions.  If that alone does not speak to the importance of building upon one’s communication skills, then let’s consider the effects communication can have on personal life and relationships.  “53 percent [of adults asked] felt that lack of effective communication was the major cause of marriage failure... (How Americans Communicate, 1999).”


I’d say that’s a big deal.  What can an introductory level college text possibly show us about something so serious? Well, I believe that having an understanding of the way we behave, both in general as people and as unique individuals,  combined with knowledge about the way communication works, will allow us to be more aware during our own interactions, let us use techniques that foster better communication and give us a launching point if we decide there’s an area we need to learn more about.  So there you have it- I’m searching for golden eggs among the already highlighted pages of a used college text.  


As I’ve slowly made my way through the first part of the text, all of four chapters, I’ve read and reread dozens of defined terms, been introduced to basic concepts and scrutinized what the previous owner scribbled in the margins.  So far, there has only been one concept that has, in a way, surprised me.  Though my ego would like me to tell you I’m the only adult who doesn’t do this, I had a huge “ah-ha!” moment when I read it and was immediately able to come up with grown-up examples of this concept in action.  For the sake of my ego, however, I’ll use an example involving children.  In my scenario,  a parent has just walked into a room and reprimanded two kids for arguing with each other.  The children respond like this:


“He called me a name!”


“She looked at me funny!”


“Yeah, ‘cause he broke my toy!”


And on and on they go, volleying back and forth to find who is at the root of the offensive behavior.  Each of them sees the past series of events and communication in his or her own way- each attributing his or her responses to different events.  This is my attempt at illustrating the concept of punctuation for you.  When we punctuate events we “break them down into a series of stimuli and responses.”  In my “ah-ha” moment, part of what I realized is that during the times  when I disagree with someone and when I’m offended, I punctuate events and focus on that in a way that might not be helpful.  And- surprise, surprise- we do tend to punctuate events in our favor, “protecting our image of ourselves” and our egos, to the extent that the other person is viewed as being wrong.  Getting back to the marriage example, “...among marrieds at least, the individuals regularly see their partner’s behavior as the cause of conflict (Schultz, 1999).”


Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have been feeling kind of lazy, because what that person surely knew is that when you gain knowledge you can take new action.  When you have a new awareness, you can make different choices.  Will knowing this one term from Communication 101 change how I interact with others? Not that likely.  It does bring new awareness though, and it may very well get me to reconsider my point of view in certain situations.


Relationships are a huge part of life and the quality of our relationships impacts our happiness.  To me it seems that even if one might feel that he or she communicates well enough, it would not hurt at all to explore the concept a little more.  My own investigation of communication does not stop here.  Initially I was also going to include some information about listening, but I have quite a bit to summarize.  That is my promise to you for next week and I also promise to take it beyond Introduction to Communication.  I am super excited to share something I read in an article that addressed listening in a way we don’t typically think about when we hear the word.  It really inspired me, so I’m going to share it with you next.


As always, I love to hear your thoughts on any of these topics, so please feel free to leave your comments.
 
“If you keep doing what you’re doing, where will you be five years from now?”
I love this question for the way it makes me both envision my best future and squirm a little! For Pam Guyer, this question was part of a driving force that led her to listen to her intuition, dream big, and seize the opportunities in her life.  From her experiences thus far, the self proclaimed cheerleader (for your life, of course) has written the manual for all other women aspiring to own their lives: Living HIPP Happy. Inspired. Passionate. Peaceful. helps a gal to scratch below the surface of her dreams.  


If you have ever wished for someone to hold your hand and help guide you as you explore your passions and refine your vision, Pam Guyer will serve as your mentor in Living HIPP and call you to action.  Through telling her personal story, she shares the experiences which have shaped her.  Where the reading is mostly light, it does merit some warning: Pam’s candor surrounding some of her life’s trials is likely to bring a tear to your eye, but it serves its purpose well.  You’ll see that rather than be held back by anything in her past, Pam has made peace with it, and used it as an opportunity to learn, grow and help others.  You can do the same, and Living Hipp will get you started.


With a supportive mindset, upbeat attitude and good humor, Pam has crafted your step-by-step guide filled with thought provoking questions designed to propel you into action.  For example, have you ever pondered the difference between “living purposefully,” and “living your purpose?”  What can take some of us years to discover, Pam Guyer offers in one book.  If you aren’t sure of, or don’t like what you see when you look five years down the road, you can take small actions to change and reshape your vision- and your life.  


I especially enjoyed all of the “quoatbles” in this book.  Hello, yellow highlighter! Quotes, for me, can serve as such inspiration and it appears that I have that in common with Ms. Guyer.  She ends her book with a list of uplifting quotes from some great people, but before I finished reading, I had my own list straight from the pages of Living HIPP.  I recommend that you find some of your own favorite HIPP quotes, but here are just a few of my favorites:  


“You can have your excuse, or you can have your dream, but you can’t have both.”


“Vision allows us to hold on to hope when our circumstances look bleak.”


“What if you took 100 percent responsibility for your happiness?”


Beyond the inspiration of the words on the pages of this book, I really want to express what I see that Living HIPP demonstrates about the power of belief.  Living HIPP is more than a clever name or smart branding.  What we see in action is the strong belief of one person and her vision to help others in such a profound way that she sees Living HIPP as a culture or way of life for others.  In the works for the future is a second book by Pam Guyer geared toward teen girls entitled, HIPP Teens.  You can see that Pam Guyer is a woman with a grand vision and strong belief in what she sees.  When you purchase Living HIPP one dollar of your purchase supports the HIPP HOP mission, a nonprofit designed to help increase awareness about and stop bullying and abuse.  Keeping true to herself and walking her talk, Pam has already set a goal to raise $1 Million dollars for her cause.  


I mention these things with the hope that you find them as inspiring as I do.  What we can do when we allow ourselves to dream big, or to “Live HIPP,” is nothing short of amazing.  Whether or not you see it now, whatever the magnitude of what calls you, it all begins with some simple disciplines and simply allowing yourself to dream.  


Check out the Living HIPP web site: http://livinghipp.com/
 
I’m sure I’m not the only one who can recall times when my “will power” failed me.  There are some moments when I am sure that I can conquer all with will power alone.  Just one cookie.  Turn the T.V. off at 9:30.  Don’t procrastinate.  Hold my tongue.  I admit, some of these examples are benign, in some ways.  Staying up too late watching Celebrity Apprentice (reality television is one of my guilty pleasures) is admittedly a poor use of my time and certainly will carry a consequence the next day.  Lack of sleep and inconsistent sleep schedules work against the quest for balanced living, though sometimes losing sleep is unavoidable.  Yet that’s not the worst vice I could have.  When I say that these examples are benign, I mean to show I am aware that others do struggle with bigger issues and probably tell themselves they can win their battles with will power.  Perhaps they want to quit smoking, maybe drink less alcohol or exit a toxic relationship.  There are huge implications with keeping some of these behaviors, and employing will power alone to kick these habits simply is not enough.  Making it all worse, is that when our will power fails us, we can really do some damage to our self esteem.  


As I was perusing my Facebook newsfeed recently (another guilty pleasure) I happened upon a post from a Health Coach I admire.  I’ve always had the sense that she is the sort of person who takes responsibility for her actions and shows her true self to others.  Her post, as she put it, was surprising to see on a Health Coach’s site, because it was an admission to missing three consecutive days of exercise! I adore her for sharing this with her clients.  She went on to say that she broke out of her slump (and felt completely energized after) because she is part of a group of people who keep each other accountable.


Wednesday is currently the day for new posts to my blog.  As that deadline rapidly approached this week, I continued to rack my brain for what I’d write about.  I have several partial posts in a notebook I keep and many more ideas jotted down.  Yet, none of them seemed to be moving in the direction of a complete piece for Wednesday.  I have developed a strong belief in abundance, which is actually one of the topics I hope to tackle soon.  My belief in abundance reassures me that I will never run out of ideas or inspiration.  When I suffer from the proverbial writer’s block, I clear my mind and quiet my thoughts, and confidently tell myself that the ideas will come, that the Universe holds abundance and this will work out.


Seriously, there’s no THC in my Hemp milk, the disclaimer on the box says so.  This is a method that works for me not only with writing, but in considering things that may be of concern in my life, or in handling fears or dilemmas.  It’s my tool for the, “what to do?” moments.  This week, however, when it came to blog ideas, my synapses were not firing.  Having committed myself to a few things this week, I had been intent on drafting a piece by Sunday.  Yet at 10:55 on Monday night, I still had no draft, though a good deal of research for yet another idea.  What was my hold up? I knew that Tuesday morning, after having worked four night shifts in a row, it would not be an ideal time for brainstorming.  Heck, it’d be a bad time for my brain, period.  Yet, I held fast to my notion of abundance and that if I allowed it, the idea would come to me.


Tuesday came and sure enough, rather than write I chose to take advantage of my baby’s nap time for a nap of my own.  I felt this pressure to come up with something, to do something, to take action on my blogging goal, but I knew my mind needed a rest.  Later in the day I began to prepare dinner.  I bent over and wiped some spills off of the kitchen floor, thinking about my writer’s block and that I’d really love to go to bed ASAP that evening (and that my floor desperately needs to be vacuumed).  Forget the blog, who reads it anyway?


Well, you do.  And I made a promise to myself, and a very public promise to you.  It’s clearly stated in my “rules” section: I will post once each week.


I set some goals with this blog.  I aim to practice writing, because when someone asks me what I do, I want to reply, “I’m a writer.”  I hope to share some ideas that help others.  I will show commitment and consistent effort toward my goals.  There have been so many times that I’ve promised myself that I would meet a goal through the use of will power alone.  That, as I’m sure I needn’t tell you, rarely seems to pan out.  So there, still kneeling on the floor wiping up a spill, I had a realization about why I would not just go to bed early and why I would complete my rough draft that night.  What would see me through? The same thing that kept my beautiful Health Coach friend on track with her goals: being held accountable.  Sure, if someone struggles to keep her own goals, she might look at others who are successful and chock it up to their superior “will power.”  I’m here to assure you that it’s not just about will power.  Accountability is so necessary, and though it’s only one piece of the puzzle in anything we strive for, it’s the realistic solution for staying on track.


I have heard that as humans we tend to take the path of least resistance.  If we’ve sworn ourselves off dessert, but happen down the cookie aisle on an empty stomach while grocery shopping, steering clear of the Double Stuff’s might be about as realistic as me moving to Mars.  In some situations, will power might get us through for the short-term, but eventually we need someone to answer to.  We need a friend, loved one, mentor or group of peers expecting to hear how well we’ve avoided the cookie aisle!


As my own will power waned and I thought about letting the blog go until I found more energy, I had asked myself, who cares if I post on Wednesdays or not? Yet in the end, I was compelled to take action by my public statement and by the knowledge that people had actually read it!  Finally, at what seemed to be the last minute, an idea broke through like the sun from behind the clouds.  I knew both what to write about and why I would write it! Accountability, not will power, is the real driving force that helps us reach our goals, big or small.  Thank you for keeping me accountable.


Do you agree? Who keeps you accountable? What other factors help us reach our goals? As always, feel free to comment.  See you next Wednesday!
 
"Performance, health and happiness are grounded in the skillful management of energy." - Jim Loher and Tony Schwartz, Authors of The Power of Full Engagement
Just last week I quietly put up my first blog entry on “A Balanced Life.” I was really afraid to take that first step and allow myself to be vulnerable, despite knowing that such honest dialog can be beneficial to us all.  It is where growth begins.  I was humbled and encouraged by the kind words and enthusiastic responses I received from those who read it.  Thank you!  Many of you have have nodded along as you read, agreeing that we share some things in common in our quest for balanced living.  I am also grateful to you for the ideas you have given me.  


I wish I could offer some practical tips based on my own methods for making daily life a breeze. You know, the stuff of a Martha Stewart protégé: how to make healthy meals in a snap, clean your house in 30 minutes using only a lemon, and 10 after school snacks made of broccoli that your kids will devour.  Though I have a few ideas brewing on pooling our ideas for easier routines, I’m not sure I can offer you all the gems you need right now.  In fact, I have a confession of sorts, though I suspect it’s not totally unique.


There are days that I sit on my couch and watch my baby as he pulls every pot, pan and kitchen utensil we have out of its cabinet or drawer, and strings a trail of them around our house like he’s Hansel on his way to the witch’s lair (and in his version of the famous tale, the witch’s house is made not of candy, but of more kitchen utensils, especially spatulas).  While I watch this, I ponder what I should have started making for dinner ten minutes ago and consider wrangling the older boys from outside for the commencement of the dreaded “H” word (homework).  By the way, not an inch of counter space is clear of dishes, and I swear we ran the dishwasher that morning!


Woah, wake up, please! I apologize for draining you of your energy with that scenario.  You may want to pause and do ten jumping jacks to liven yourself up.  Good news first: thanks to the exponential growth of technology, according to Peter Diamandis and Steven Kotler, Authors of Abundance, you and I may well see in our lifetime artificial intelligence built to solve our domestic woes.  Now the bad news: Martha-bot (that’s what mine will be named) ain’t here to clean house yet, Sister.  Until her technological refinement, it’s on you and me girl.


If you are like me, and you are very much so if you can’t find any of your four spatulas, in the midst of your struggle to figure out quick dinner plans, you can hear the far-off  voice of some admonishing middle school teacher droning on about “time management.”  Sweet friend, if you ever wanted to tell her to hush, rejoice.  We’re not struggling with time management.  Given an extra hour each day, you and I would likely choose sleep! Oh no, what we’re dealing with is energy management, and we can tame that beast.


You may think that you could not possibly find more energy on a given day.  There’s not enough coffee in Columbia to help with that.  Recently, thanks to a book called The Power of Full Engagement, I challenged some of my own practices.  The authors, Jim Loher and Tony Schwartz, who typically work with the likes of business executives and high performance athletes, tell us just how one can manage energy for high performance.  Okay, so whether you are poised to move up the corporate ladder, or just wish it didn’t feel overwhelming to prepare a meal quickly with a screaming munchkin or two clinging to your legs, there are points from this book we can all take away.


Loehr and Schwartz suggest that we can actually increase our capacity for stress.  They believe that, like an athlete builds her muscles through rigorous exercise followed by periods of rest, we can build upon our own tolerance for stress by challenging ourselves and then taking an appropriate recovery period.


I do not need to tell you that parents rarely have down time in the best of circumstances.  However, what makes the authors’ advice practical, are their realistic suggestions for small steps people can take toward relaxation, such as adding journal keeping to their daily ritual or adding a yoga class to their weekly routine.  The message for us: self-care is one key component to building and maintaining energy.  Although the book discusses other key practices for building energy, I believe the self-care concept is hugely important in this fast-paced society we live in.  I’ve been searching for ways to provide more self-care for myself.  Indeed, the example of journal keeping stuck with me since that is something I have loved to do since childhood.  I actually have several journals going now.  I also set a goal for myself for 3 jogs per week- with an important caveat: since I’m a super busy Mama, I will genuinely do my best to reach my jogging goal, but will not guilt myself for missing it.  This is not to be mistaken for a lack of commitment, but as a realistic approach to what I can fit into my schedule and a key principle for a balanced life.  Fair enough, right?


Even though we know what’s good for us, it’s often easier said than done.  I’m over a week away from my last brief jog.  We’re all familiar with an old saying about Mama’s happiness... and though I’m not the biggest fan of that saying, I firmly believe that part of the source of our energy and for our best performance in any capacity- as business people, spouses, parents- we must heed our self-care.  What do you think? What challenges do you face in caring for yourself and how can you work creatively to see that you're taking care of numero uno? I love to hear from you, so please leave a note about how you make sure to take care of you!
 
At times, my life seems to mirror the only aerobics class I’ve ever taken: Me- tall, thin and leggy- in the back row, two steps behind everyone else.  While they step left twice, I step right, attempt to correct my blunder, but as I do so, realize my classmates have moved on.  Now they’re doing some fancy hip gyration combined with phantom cowgirl lasso-swing.  My hurried lasso-swing is slightly less coordinated than their Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader move.  It’s appropriate to call my move, “Hail the Cab.” 

While it may seem that I’m intent on highlighting my own awkward lack of coordination, I just mean to say that sometimes one can feel out of sync with life.  The music plays on, but you feel you’re stepping out of beat.  Whether the feeling is slight or severe, you feel out of balance in some way.

Fairly recently I became keenly aware of the balance in my life.  I decided that I wanted to restore (it might be more fair to say create) balance in my days.  I had just begun working part time, second shift, at a hospital in our area.  To anyone else my choice to return to work probably seemed insane for a busy mom/step mom of four energetic little boys, the youngest of which- at one year of age- didn’t yet sleep through the night. I found myself ending my work shift to greet a new day, then rising with the sun to my role of Mommy after too few hours of rest.  What drove me to return to work at that time and keep such as tiring schedule is probably best left to another blog entry.  The result of my decision, however, was that I began to look differently at how I was using my time and energy, as well as how my daily choices and actions impacted my sense of balance.

Going back to work after having solely cared for my growing family for over four years meant not only a shift in balance for me, but for my children and husband as well.  Way to state the obvious? You’re probably right- big life changes obviously affect the whole family.  My husband was given more on his plate with me gone several evenings each week. We both immediately became even more sleep deprived than we had been. The increased demand and tough schedule left me groggy, feeling like it dulled my intelligence, zapped my patience and affected the way (or if) I interacted with others.

I questioned how I could  make this work. After all, I went back work with our family in mind.  My life is as much about me as it is about them.  I was working to help us all, but my goal was certainly not to become an irritable mama, or lose what is special in my life now for something else later.  I’m passionate about my family and dedicating to giving them my best.  I began to feel off, I began to feel like things had shifted in an unbalanced fashion.  Was I doing too much? Could something be done differently?  How could I feel more balanced? What, during the challenges of my life, would keep me even-keeled? How could I bring more balance to my world? 

Like anyone, I have personal goals.  I have a drive to help earn an income, be present for my kids, maintain my relationship with my husband, see my friends, and stay committed to my community service projects.  Yet, I’m just like anyone else and I can only do so much.  I don’t want to feel like I’m back in that aerobics class, shuffling left while the others gracefully two-step right.

Entwined in my need for a balanced feeling in my life is a desire to really define and go after my passions.  Aerobics may not be my thing, but I’m starting to discover what is.  I’m a huge fan of self-improvement, as I believe that we are all strong and capable of introspection.  I’ve also always fancied myself a writer, but I have not had the pleasure of writing as consistently as I have wanted to in quite a while.  

On some lovely day during which I probably was able to have a nap and an extra cup of coffee, I decided I could pursue a few passions with this very blog, by writing about my own journey to discovering a more balanced life.  If you have read my preface, you know that when I say balance, I mean living in alignment with one's core values.  That's hippy for, "feeling good about the way you live your life." It means listening to your own inner wisdom that tells you what to pursue, what’s most special to you and what allows you to feel like you're doing the right thing with your time and energy.

Don’t so many of us crave a bit more balance? More of what brings us joy, rejuvenation, health, purpose, calm, peace, clarity or whatever we define as the “stuff of life?” Of course we do. So, as I work on it, I’ll share it with you.  It may be anecdotal, a review of a book I have read, or a summary of some skill I’m trying to sharpen.  Maybe something will resonate.  Perhaps you’ll have some wisdom to share with me.  There is a chance that you’ll think that I’m still doing the “hail the cab” while everyone else is doing the “cha-cha.” Or, and I am hopeful that this is the case, what I discover in my pursuit of balance might possibly help you, too. 

I would love to hear from you.  What areas of life do you most wish to find balance in? Do you already have checks and balances in place for yourself which tell you when you're in alignment (or not) with your core values? What helps you regulate the balance in your life? What boosts harmony and what creates a barrier for you? Let me know what topics you’d like to hear about!

    Jennifer Loebel

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